ake contacts； how to make your way in the world。 Never mind the military…industrial plex。 The real power is wielded every day； in these little challenges and intimidations； by people just like us。〃
I gulped down my dessert and slipped away from the table。 Outside I waited for Murray。 When he emerged I held his arm just…above the elbow and we walked across campus like a pair of European senior citizens； heads bowed in conversation。
〃How do you listen to that？〃 I said。 〃Death and disease。 Do they talk like that all the time？〃
〃When I covered sports； I used to get together with the other writers on the road。 Hotel rooms； planes； taxis； restaurants。 There was only one topic of conversation。 Sex and death。〃
〃That's two topics。〃
〃You're right； Jack。〃
〃I would hate to believe they are inextricably linked。〃
〃It's just that on the road everything is linked。 Everything and nothing； to be precise。〃
We walked past small mounds of melting snow。
〃How is your car crash seminar progressing？〃
〃We've looked at hundreds of crash sequences。 Cars with cars。 Cars with trucks。 Trucks with buses。 Motorcycles with cars。 Cars with helicopters。 Trucks with trucks。 My students think these movies are prophetic。 They mark the suicide wish of technology。
The drive to suicide； the hurtling rush to suicide。〃
〃What do you say to them？〃
〃These are mainly B…movies； TV movies； rural drive…in movies。 I tell my students not to look for apocalypse in such places。 I see these car crashes as part of a long tradition of American optimism。 They are positive events； full of the old 'can…do' spirit。 Each car crash is meant to be better than the last。 There is a constant upgrading of tools and skills； a meeting of challenges。 A director says； 'I need this flatbed truck to do a midair double somersault that produces an orange ball of fire with a thirty…six…foot diameter； which the cinematographer will use to light the scene。' I tell my students if they want to bring technology into it； they have to take this into account； this tendency toward grandiose deeds； toward pursuing a dream。〃
〃A dream？ How do your students reply？〃
〃Just the way you did。 'A dream？' All that blood and glass； that screeching rubber。 What about the sheer waste； the sense of a civilization in a state of decay？〃
〃What about it？〃 I said。
〃I tell them it's not decay they are seeing but innocence。 The movie breaks away from plicated human passions to show us something elemental； something fiery and loud and head…on。 It's a conservative wish…fulfillment； a yearning for na？veté。 We want to be artless again。 We want to reverse the flow of experience； of worldliness and its responsibilities。 My students say； 'Look at the crushed bodies； the severed limbs。 What kind of innocence is this？'〃
〃What do you say to that？〃
〃I tell them they can't think of a car crash in a movie as a violent act。 It's a celebration。 A reaff？rmation of traditional values and beliefs。 I connect car crashes to holidays like Thanksgiving and the Fourth。 We don't mourn the dead or rejoice in miracles。 These are days of secular optimism； of self…celebration。 We will improve； prosper； perfect ourselves。 Watch any car crash in any American movie。 It is a high…spirited moment like old…fashioned stunt flying； walking on wings。 The people who stage these crashes are able to capture a lightheartedness； a carefree enjoyment that car crashes in foreign movies can never approach。〃
〃Look past the violence。〃
〃Exactly。 Look past the violence； Jack。 There is a wonderful brimming spirit of innocence and fun。〃
29
Babette and I moved down the wide aisle； each with a gleaming cart。 We passed a family shopping in sign language。 I kept seeing colored lights。
〃How do you feel？〃 she said。
〃I'm fine。 I feel good。 How are you？〃
〃Why don't you have a checkup？ Wouldn't you feel better if you found out nothing was there？〃
〃I've had two checkups。 Nothing is there。〃
〃What did Dr。 Chakravarty say？〃
〃What could he say？〃
〃He speaks English beautifully。 I love to hear him speak。〃
〃Not as much as he loves to speak。〃
〃What do you mean he loves to speak？ Do you mean he takes every possible opportunity to speak？ He's a doctor。 He has to speak。 In a very real sense you are paying him to speak。 Do you mean he flaunts his beautiful English？ He rubs your face in it？〃
〃We need some Class Plus。〃
〃Don't leave me alone；〃 she said。
〃I'm just going to aisle five。〃
〃I don't want to be alone； Jack。 I believe you know that。〃
〃We're going to e through this thing all right；〃 I said。 〃Maybe stronger than ever。 We're determined to be well。 Babette is not a neurotic person。 She is strong； healthy； outgoing； affirmative。 She says yes to things。 This is the point of Babette。〃
We stayed together in the aisles and at the checkout。 Babette bought three tabloids for her next session with Old Man Treadwell。 We read them together as we waited on line。 Then we went together to the car； loaded the merchandise； sat very close to each other as I drove home。
〃Except for my eyes；〃 I said。
〃What do you mean？〃
〃Chakravarty thinks I ought to see an eye man。〃
〃Is it the colored spots again？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃Stop wearing those dark glasses。〃
〃I can't teach Hitler without them。〃
〃Why not？〃
〃I need them； that's all。〃
〃They're stupid； they're useless。〃
〃I've built a career；〃 I said。 〃I may not understand all the elements involved but this is all the more reason not to tamper。〃
The déjà vu crisis centers closed down。 The hotline was quietly discontinued。 People seemed on the verge of forgetting。 I could hardly blame them even if I felt abandoned to a certain extent； left holding the bag。
I went faithfully to German lessons。 I began to work with my teacher on things I might say in weling delegates to the Hitler conference； still a number of weeks off。 The windows were totally blocked by furniture and debris。 Howard Dunlop sat in the middle of the room； his oval face floating in sixty watts of dusty light。 I began to suspect I was the only person he ever talked to。 I also began to suspect he needed me more than I needed him。 A disconcerting and terrible thought。
There was a German…language book on a ruined table near the door。 The title was lettered in black in a thick heavy ominous typeface： Das Aegyptische Todtenbuch。
〃What's that？〃 I said。
〃The Egyptian Book of the Dead；〃 he whispered。 〃A best…seller in Germany。〃
Every so often； when Denise wasn't home； I wandered into her room。 I picked up things； put them down； looked behind a curtain； glanced into an open drawer； stuck my foot under the bed and felt around。 Absentminded browsing。
Babette listened to talk radio。
I started throwing things away。 Things in the top and bottom of my closet； things in boxes in the basement and attic。 I threw away correspondence； old paperbacks； magazines I'd been saving to read； pencils that needed sharpening。 I threw away tennis shoes； sweat socks； gloves with ragged fingers； old belts and neckties。 I came upon stacks of student reports； broken rods for the seats o