ed straight up。 I was propped on an elbow； facing her； studying her features。 When I spoke finally it was in a reasonable and inquiring voice—the voice of a man who seeks genuinely to understand some timeless human riddle。
〃How do you offer your body to a posite of three or more people？ This is a pound person。 He is like a police sketch of one person's eyebrows； another person's nose。 Let's concentrate on the genitals。 How many sets are we talking about？〃
〃Just one person's； Jack。 A key person； the project manager。〃
〃So we are no longer referring to the Mr。 Gray who is a posite。〃
〃He is now one person。 We went to a grubby little motel room。 Never mind where or when。 It had the TV up near the ceiling。 This is all I remember。 Grubby； tacky。 I was heartsick。 But so； so desperate。〃
〃You call this an indiscretion； as if we haven't had a revolution in frank and bold language。 Call it what it was； describe it honestly； give it the credit it deserves。 You entered a motel room； excited by its impersonality； the functionalism and bad taste of the furnishings。 You walked barefoot on the f？re…retardant carpet。 Mr。 Gray went around opening doors； looking for a full…length mirror。 He watched you undress。 You lay on the bed； embracing。 Then he entered you。〃
〃Don't use that term。 You know how I feel about that usage。〃
〃He effected what is called entry。 In other words he inserted himself。 One minute he was fully dressed； putting the car rental keys on the dresser。 The next minute he was inside you。〃
〃No one was inside anyone。 That is stupid usage。 I did what I had to do。 I was remote。 I was operating outside myself。 It was a capitalist transaction。 You cherish the wife who tells you everything。 1 am doing my best to be that person。
〃All right； I'm only trying to understand。 How many times did you go to this motel？〃
〃More or less on a continuing basis for some months。 That was the agreement。〃
I felt heat rising along the back of my neck。 I watched her carefully。 A sadness showed in her eyes。 I lay back and looked at the ceiling。 The radio came on。 She began to cry softly。
〃There's some Jell…O with banana slices；〃 I said。 〃Steffie made it。〃
〃She's a good girl。〃
〃I can easily get you some。〃
〃No； thank you。〃
〃Why did the radio e on？〃
〃The auto…timer is broken。 I'll take it to the shop tomorrow。〃
〃I'll take it。〃
〃it's all right；〃 she said。 〃It's no trouble。 I can easily take it。〃
〃Did you enjoy having sex with him？〃
〃I only remember the TV up near the ceiling； aimed down at us。〃
〃Did he have a sense of humor？ I know women appreciate men who can joke about sex。 I can't； unfortunately； and after this I don't think there's much chance I'll be able to learn。〃
〃It's better if you know him as Mr。 Gray。 That's all。 He's not tall； short； young or old。 He doesn't laugh or cry。 It's for your own good。〃
〃I have a question。 Why didn't Gray Research run tests on animals？ Animals must be better than puters in some respects。〃
'That's just the point。 No animal has this condition。 This is a human condition。 Animals fear many things； Mr。 Gray said。 But their brains aren't sophisticated enough to acmodate this particular state of mind。〃
For the first time I began to get an inkling of what she'd been talking about all along。 My body went cold。 I felt hollow inside。 I rose from my supine position； once again propping myself on an elbow to look down at her。 She started to cry again。
〃You have to tell me； Babette。 You've taken me this far； put me through this much。 I have to know。 What's the condition？〃
The longer she wept； the more certain I became that I knew what she was going to say。 I felt an impulse to get dressed and leave； take a room somewhere until this whole thing blew over。 Babette raised her face to me； sorrowing and pale； her eyes showing a helpless desolation。 We faced each other； propped on elbows； like a sculpture of lounging philosophers in a classical academy。 The radio turned itself off。
〃I'm afraid to die；〃 she said。 〃I think about it all the time。 It won't go away。〃
〃Don't tell me this。 This is terrible。〃
〃I can't help it。 How can I help it？〃
〃I don't want to know。 Save it for our old age。 You're still young； you get plenty of exercise。 This is not a reasonable fear。〃
〃It haunts me； Jack。 I can't get it off my mind。 I know I'm not supposed to experience such a fear so consciously and so steadily。 What can I do？ It's just there。 That's why I was so quick to notice Mr。 Gray's ad in the tabloid I was reading aloud。 The headline hit home。 FEAR OF DEATH； it said。 I think about it all the time。 You're disappointed。 I can tell。〃
〃Disappointed？〃
〃You thought the condition would be more specific。 I wish it was。 But a person doesn't search for months and months to corner the solution to some daily little ailment。〃
I tried to talk her out of it。
〃How can you be sure it is death you fear？ Death is so vague。 No one knows what it is； what it feels like or looks like。 Maybe you just have a personal problem that surfaces in the form of a great universal subject。〃
〃What problem？〃
〃Something you're hiding from yourself。 Your weight maybe。〃
〃I've lost weight。 What about my height？〃
〃I know you've lost weight。 That's just my point。 You practically ooze good health。 You reek of it。 Hookstratten confirms this； your own doctor。 There must be something else； an underlying problem。〃
〃What could be more underlying than death？〃
I tried to persuade her it was not as serious as she thought。
〃Baba； everyone fears death。 Why should you be different？ You yourself said earlier it is a human condition。 There's no one who has lived past the age of seven who hasn't worried about dying。〃
〃At some level everyone fears death。 I fear it right up front。 I don't know how or why it happened。 But I can't be the only one or why would Gray Research spend millions on a pill？〃
〃That's what I said。 You're not the only one。 There are hundreds of thousands of people。 Isn't it reassuring to know that？ You're like the woman on the radio who got phone calls from a missile base。 She wanted to find others whose own psychotic experiences would make her feel less isolated。〃
〃But Mr。 Gray said I was extra sensitive to the terror of death。 He gave me a battery of tests。 That's why he was eager to use me。〃
'This is what I find odd。 You concealed your terror for so long。 If you're able to conceal such a thing from a husband and children； maybe it is not so severe。〃
'This is not the story of a wife's deception。 You can't sidestep the true story； Jack。 It is too big。〃
I kept my voice calm。 I spoke to her as one of those reclining philosophers might address a younger member of the academy； someone whose work is promising and fitfully brilliant but perhaps too heavily dependent on the scholarship of the senior fellow。
〃Baba； I am the one in this family who is obsessed by death。 I have always been the one。〃
〃You never said。〃
'To protect you from worry。 To keep you animated； vital and happy。 You are the happy one。 I am the doomed fool。 That's what I can't for