〃I already went。〃
〃What did he say？〃
〃It was a she。 My mother told me to go to a woman。〃
〃What did she say？〃
〃She said I have a dense donor site。〃
〃What does that mean？〃
〃She can take hair from other parts of my head and surgically implant it where it's needed。 Not that it makes any difference。 I'd。 just as soon be bald。 I can easily see myself totally bald。 There are kids my age with cancer。 Their hair falls out from chemotherapy。 Why should I be different？〃
He was standing in the closet peering out at me。 I decided to change the subject。
〃If you really think chinning helps； why don't you stand outside the closet and do your exercises facing in？ Why stand in that dark musty space？〃
〃If you think this is strange； you ought to see what Mercator's doing。〃
〃What's he doing？〃
〃He's training to break the world endurance record for sitting in a cage full of poisonous snakes； for the Guinness Book of Records。 He goes to Glassboro three times a week where they have this exotic pet shop。 The owner lets him feed the mamba and the puff adder。 To get him accustomed。 Totally forget your North American rattlesnake。 The puff adder is the most venomous snake in the world。〃
〃Every time I see newsfilm of someone in his fourth week of sitting in a cage full of snakes； I find myself wishing he'd get bitten。〃
〃So do I；〃 Heinrich said。
〃Why is that？〃
〃He's asking for it。〃
〃That's right。 Most of us spend our lives avoiding danger。 Who do these people think they are？〃
〃They ask for it。 Let them get it。〃
I paused a while； savoring the rare moment of agreement。
〃What else does your friend do to train？〃
〃He sits for long periods in one place； getting his bladder accustomed。 He's down to two meals a day。 He sleeps sitting up； two hours at a time。 He wants to train himself to wake up gradually； without sudden movements； which could startle a mamba。〃
〃It seems a strange ambition。〃
〃Mambas are sensitive。〃
〃But if it makes him happy。〃
〃He thinks he's happy but it's just a nerve cell in his brain that's getting too much stimulation or too little stimulation。〃
I got out of bed in the middle of the night and went to the small room at the end of the hall to watch Steffie and Wilder sleep。 I remained at this task； motionless； for nearly an hour； feeling refreshed and expanded in unnameable ways。
I was surprised； entering our bedroom； to find Babette standing at a window looking out into the steely night。 She gave no sign that she'd noticed my absence from the bed and did not seem to hear when I climbed back in； burying myself beneath the covers。
25
Our newspaper is delivered by a middle…aged Iranian driving a Nissan Sentra。 Something about the car makes me uneasy— the car waiting with its headlights on； at dawn； as the man places the newspaper on the front steps。 I tell myself I have reached an age； the age of unreliable menace。 The world is full of abandoned meanings。 In the monplace I find unexpected themes and intensities。
I sat at my desk in the office staring down at the white tablet。 It was more or less flying…saucer…shaped； a streamlined disk with the tiniest of holes at one end。 It was only after moments of intense scrutiny that I'd been able to spot the hole。
The tablet was not chalky like aspirin and not exactly capsule…slick either。 It felt strange in the hand； curiously sensitive to the touch but at the same time giving the impression that it was synthetic； insoluble； elaborately engineered。
I walked over to a small domed building known as the Observatory and gave the tablet to Winnie Richards； a〃 young research neurochemist whose work was said to be brilliant。 She was a tall gawky furtive woman who blushed when someone said something funny。 Some of the New York émigrés liked to visit her cubicle and deliver rapid…fire one…liners； just to see her face turn red。
I watched her sit at the cluttered desk for two or three minutes； slowly rotating the tablet between her thumb and index finger。 She licked it and shrugged。
〃Certainly doesn't taste like much。〃
〃How long will it take to analyze the contents？〃
〃There's a dolphin's brain in my in…box but e see me in forty…eight hours。〃
Winnie was well…known on the Hill for moving from place to place without being seen。 No one knew how she managed this or why she found it necessary。 Maybe she was self…conscious about her awkward frame； her craning look and odd lope。 Maybe she had a phobia concerning open spaces； although the spaces at the college were mainly snug and quaint。 Perhaps the world of people and things had such an impact on her； struck her with the force of some rough and naked body—made her blush in fact—that she found it easier to avoid frequent contact。 Maybe she was tired of being called brilliant。 In any case I had trouble locating her all the rest of that week。 She was not to be seen on the lawns and walks； was absent from her cubicle whenever I looked in。
At home Denise made it a point not to bring up the subject of Dylar。 She did not want to put pressure on me and even avoided eye contact； as if an exchange of significant looks was more than our secret knowledge could bear。 Babette； for her part； could not seem to produce a look that wasn't significant。 In the middle of conversations she turned to gaze at snowfalls； sunsets or parked cars in a sculptured and eternal way。 These contemplations began to worry me。 She'd always been an outward…looking woman with a bracing sense of particularity； a trust in the tangible and real。 This private gazing was a form of estrangement not only from those of us around her but from the very things she watched so endlessly。
We sat at the breakfast table after the older kids were gone。
〃Have you seen the Stovers' new dog？〃
〃No；〃 I said。
'They think it's a space alien。 Only they're not joking。 I was there yesterday。 The animal is strange。〃
〃Has something been bothering you？〃
〃I'm fine；〃 she said。
〃I wish you'd tell me。 We tell each other everything。 We always have。〃
〃Jack； what could be bothering me？〃
〃You stare out of windows。 You're different somehow。 You don't quite see things and react to things the way you used to。〃
〃That's what their dog does。 He stares out of windows。 But not just any window。 He goes upstairs to the attic and puts his paws up on the sill to look out the highest window。 They think he's waiting for instructions。〃
〃Denise would kill me if she knew I was going to say this。〃
〃What？〃
〃I found the Dylar。〃
〃What Dylar？〃
〃It was taped to the radiator cover。〃
〃Why would I tape something to the radiator cover？〃
'That's exactly what Denise predicted you would say。〃
〃She's usually right。〃
〃I talked to Hookstratten； your doctor。〃
〃I'm in super shape； really。〃
〃That's what he said。〃
〃Do you know what these cold gray leaden days make me want to do？〃
〃What？〃
〃Crawl into bed with a good…looking man。 I'll put Wilder in his play tunnel。 You go shave and brush your teeth。 Meet you in the bedroom in ten minutes。〃
That afternoon I saw Winnie Richards slip