《简爱(英文版)》

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简爱(英文版)- 第103节


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hat I am doing; lingering here at the sign…post; evidently objectless and lost。 I might be questioned: I could give no answer but what would sound incredible and excite suspicion。 Not a tie holds me to human society at this moment—not a charm or hope calls me where my fellow…creatures are—none that saw me would have a kind thought or a good wish for me。 I have no relative but the universal mother; Nature: I will seek her breast and ask repose。
I struck straight into the heath; I held on to a hollow I saw deeply furrowing the brown moorside; I waded knee…deep in its dark growth; I turned with its turnings; and finding a moss…blackened granite crag in a hidden angle; I sat down under it。 High banks of moor were about me; the crag protected my head: the sky was over that。
Some time passed before I felt tranquil even here: I had a vague dread that wild cattle might be near; or that some sportsman or poacher might discover me。 If a gust of wind swept the waste; I looked up; fearing it was the rush of a bull; if a plover whistled; I imagined it a man。 Finding my apprehensions unfounded; however; and calmed by the deep silence that reigned as evening declined at nightfall; I took confidence。 As yet I had not thought; I had only listened; watched; dreaded; now I regained the faculty of reflection。
What was I to do? Where to go? Oh; intolerable questions; when I could do nothing and go nowhere!—when a long way must yet be measured by my weary; trembling limbs before I could reach human habitation—when cold charity must be entreated before I could get a lodging: reluctant sympathy importuned; almost certain repulse incurred; before my tale could be listened to; or one of my wants relieved!
I touched the heath; it was dry; and yet warm with the beat of the summer day。 I looked at the sky; it was pure: a kindly star twinkled just above the chasm ridge。 The dew fell; but with propitious softness; no breeze whispered。 Nature seemed to me benign and good; I thought she loved me; outcast as I was; and I; who from man could anticipate only mistrust; rejection; insult; clung to her with filial fondness。 To…night; at least; I would be her guest; as I was her child: my mother would lodge me without money and without price。 I had one morsel of bread yet: the remnant of a roll I had bought in a town we passed through at noon with a stray penny—my last coin。 I saw ripe bilberries gleaming here and there; like jet beads in the heath: I gathered a handful and ate them with the bread。 My hunger; sharp before; was; if not satisfied; appeased by this hermit’s meal。 I said my evening prayers at its conclusion; and then chose my couch。
Beside the crag the heath was very deep: when I lay down my feet were buried in it; rising high on each side; it left only a narrow space for the night…air to invade。 I folded my shawl double; and spread it over me for a coverlet; a low; mossy swell was my pillow。 Thus lodged; I was not; at least—at the mencement of the night; cold。
My rest might have been blissful enough; only a sad heart broke it。 It plained of its gaping wounds; its inward bleeding; its riven chords。 It trembled for Mr。 Rochester and his doom; it bemoaned him with bitter pity; it demanded him with ceaseless longing; and; impotent as a bird with both wings broken; it still quivered its shattered pinions in vain attempts to seek him。
Worn out with this torture of thought; I rose to my knees。 Night was e; and her plas were risen: a safe; still night: too serene for the panionship of fear。 We know that God is everywhere; but certainly we feel His presence most when His works are on the grandest scale spread before us; and it is in the unclouded night…sky; where His worlds wheel their silent course; that we read clearest His infinitude; His omnipotence; His omnipresence。 I had risen to my knees to pray for Mr。 Rochester。 Looking up; I; with tear…dimmed eyes; saw the mighty Milky…way。 Remembering what it was—what countless systems there swept space like a soft trace of light—I felt the might and strength of God。 Sure was I of His efficiency to save what He had made: convinced I grew that neither earth should perish; nor one of the souls it treasured。 I turned my prayer to thanksgiving: the Source of Life was also the Saviour of spirits。 Mr。 Rochester was safe; he was God’s; and by God would he be guarded。 I again nestled to the breast of the hill; and ere long in sleep forgot sorrow。
But next day; Want came to me pale and bare。 Long after the little birds had left their nests; long after bees had e in the sweet prime of day to gather the heath honey before the dew was dried— when the long morning shadows were curtailed; and the sun filled earth and sky—I got up; and I looked round me。
What a still; hot; perfect day! What a golden desert this spreading moor! Everywhere sunshine。 I wished I could live in it and on it。 I saw a lizard run over the crag; I saw a bee busy among the sweet bilberries。 I would fain at the moment have bee bee or lizard; that I might have found fitting nutriment; permanent shelter here。 But I was a human being; and had a human being’s wants: I must not linger where there was nothing to supply them。 I rose; I looked back at the bed I had left。 Hopeless of the future; I wished but this—that my Maker had that night thought good to require my soul of me while I slept; and that this weary frame; absolved by death from further conflict with fate; had noingle in peace with the soil of this wilderness。 Life; however; was yet in my possession; ents; and pains; and responsibilities。 The burden must be carried; the want provided for; the suffering endured; the responsibility fulfilled。 I set out。
Whitcross regained; I followed a road which led from the sun; now fervent and high。 By no other circumstance had I will to decide my choice。 I walked a long time; and when I thought I had nearly done enough; and might conscientiously yield to the fatigue that almost overpowered me—might relax this forced action; and; sitting down on a stone I saw near; submit resistlessly to the apathy that clogged heart and limb—I heard a bell chime—a church bell。
I turned in the direction of the sound; and there; amongst the romantic hills; whose changes and aspect I had ceased to note an hour ago; I saw a hamlet and a spire。 All the valley at my right hand was full of pasture…fields; and cornfields; and wood; and a glittering stream ran zig…zag through the varied shades of green; the mellowing grain; the sombre woodland; the clear and sunny lea。 Recalled by the rumbling of wheels to the road before me; I saw a heavily…laden waggon labouring up the hill; and not far beyond were two cows and their drover。 Human life and human labour were near。 I must struggle on: strive to live and bend to toil like the rest。
About two o’clock p。m。 I entered the village。 At the bottom of its one street there was a little shop with some cakes of bread in the window。 I coveted a cake of bread。 With that refreshment I could perhaps regain a degree of energy: without it; it would be difficult to proceed。 The wish to have some strength and some vigour returned to me as soon as I was amongst my fellow…beings。 I felt it would be degrading to faint with hunger on the caus
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